:(

seriously. i live in denial, and i know i do. i do such a great job doing it too, but then it all comes crumbling down on me and reality shows its ugly face the minute i talk to you. please stop, it's killing me.

you know what? to hell with all of you.

i'm sick and tired of being everyone's last priority. i never got the memo that when someone gets a boyfriend or girlfriend they forget their friends. yea? well to hell with every single one of you. i'm going to go hangout with people that actually care to spend time with me. have fun with your boyfriends/girlfriends and don't you dare come crying to me once they break your hearts. i am NOT a second choice. i'm done chasing after people. i'm not going to text any of you anymore, you want to see me? YOU pick up the phone and ask ME, because i refuse to put another ounce of effort into any of these relationships. this is what i get for making each one of you a priority in my life. bye.

ouch.

my heart hurts like hell.

hate.

i hate myself because i'm not as strong as i think i am.

i hate myself because i'm not as kind as i should be.

i hate myself because i'm no better than any other rotten teenager.

i hate myself for giving in to the system and all its pressure.

i hate myself for being the black sheep in this stupid family i can't cope with.

i hate myself because i can't live up to the expectations i put for myself.

i hate myself for not being as smart as i can be.

i hate myself because i don't push myself to do the things i want to.

i hate myself for giving myself so many excuses for everything.

i just hate myself.

oh. and i hate you for making me hate myself.

Things Bothering Me

-my weight

-my dad

-my future

no one cares about anyone else, unless it's for their own selfish reasons.

cold and cruel heartless reality.

shit.

that awkward moment when you realize you're all alone, locked up with your feelings.

i'm angry. on the outside. on the inside. i'm just this angry, rebelling fire, raging.

what to hate, what to love?

i don't know whether i hate my culture, or my family, or my religion. or hate the culture created by society right now that i'm not allowed to fit into, or hate my luck.

i don't know, i just know i hate my situation. and that being optimistic about it all the time is hard as hell.

if i could live my life the way i wanted to at this moment of time it'd go like this:

i’d be living alone, a small house, decorated how i please, with a picket fence, a cat, and a garden. i’d wear whatever i wanted, vintage the most, and i’d have a classic car. my closet would be full of oxfords and florals. i’d have a small hangout room, decorated like the 50’s with records and the such.

my family would live 15 minutes away, and i’d visit them often.

i would come and go as i please, when i please. my friends would practically live at my house, or vice versa.

i’d take yearly trips to travel new countries.

i’d be going to college for Fine Arts and Media. and i’d end up getting a job in the city.

that would be the perfect life for me.

too bad life isn’t perfect

i hate you. i really do.

waste of space

do you ever feel totally useless?

like, what the hell is my purpose? i’m not amazing at anything. i’m not good enough at anything to have the confidence to show it off. Photography? Amateur. Guitar? HA. Drawing? I can doodle pretty well. Singing? sure, nicely, but solo material? no. Dancing? epic fail.

I’m a Jack of All Trades, which ticks me off. i want to be amazing at something, just one thing. but no, i’m just average with everything, i’m sick of being average.

but then again, i have no one to blame but myself. i can never give anything my 100% because i don't have the attention span, or motivation for it. i don't care, and it's killing me.

about to pop

nothing sucks more than holding feelings inside. i can't do it, keeping things in makes me depressed and want to explode with tears. and yet here i am, another night of melancholy silence.

it's so hard letting go, even if you already have

i don't want to let go, but you already have. you're on the other side of the railroad track now, and this train is never going to end.

but then again, i don't think it's letting you go that hurts so much, it's how easy it was for you to just leave.

i need my space

give me space please, i'm getting claustrophobic.

-sigh-

jeez... i talk too much, i'm annoying myself.

my biggest wish

is to control time.